are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
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*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
$4 #usedbooks
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Why is no one talking about this?!
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”