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@izaaking

wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die

@markleggett

MAJOR TOM: Tell my wife I love her very much…
GROUND CONTROL: She knows.
MAJOR TOM: Wait… Is she with you now?
GROUND CONTROL: Bye, Tom.

@BethStelling

I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.

@samdunsiger

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

@WritingWilkie

The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.

@BrokenDollMcGee

random kid: you are going to hell because Jesus doesn’t like tattoos

me: do you have any tattoos?

kid: nope

me: so you won’t be in hell?

kid: nope

me: *thinks for a moment* okay. I’m good then

@Contwixt

The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.