My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
You Might Also Like
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
(more comics:
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!