@bigmacher

“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”

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@jonnysun

bill cosby’s full name is “bill sinby over tanby”

@Swishergirl24

A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”

@jewfacekilla

MTVs Teen Mom has been cancelled. At least one person on that network knows when to pull out.

@Browneyed_mama

I think my dog goes out at night to drink with her doggie friends. At least she can’t drive because that would be ridiculous.

@SaltyCorpse

Body: I’m exhausted.

Brain: I’M AN EIGHT YEAR OLD ON CRACK!

@CantWaitToNap

It’s Saturday and over 10 boxes just got delivered.

It’s like Amazon wants me to get a divorce.

@procharged94

Pretty disappointed to see that some of you lived through the night.

@AmericanGent69

Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.