What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
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This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
My work here is done
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose