Starbucks puts the fee in coffee
Are we done? Can we go?
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[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
how come i dont pee bubbles when i drink Sprite
[hits it again]
ah guess its ok, wouldn’t want a tingly dingus
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.