@thisislizz

Are we done? Can we go?

-A memoir.

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@iinkedZombie

5: “I’m so tough because I NEVER cry!”

Me: “What?! You were crying about spiders earlier.”

5: *cries* “BUT THEY HAVE 8 LEGS!”

@ArfMeasures

INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?

ME [clever] no

@Shock_Monster

Ladies: We barely pay attention when you are speaking directly AT us. What makes you think we will pick up on a subtweet?

@briangaar

Damn it’s cold out. Better wear a coat, hat, gloves & boots. Sorry legs, you’re still getting pants only, thanks for doing all the work tho

@KattsDogma

Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.

@DarzieDAMN

It’s not that I accept the Terms and Conditions. It’s just that I would rather not spend the rest of my life reading them.

@Douchekevin

Girlfriend told me she wants me to pull her hair , but apparently not while she’s driving. Girls are weird.

@dafloydsta

*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?