Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
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Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is