@thisislizz

Are we done? Can we go?

-A memoir.

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@FeelingEuphoric

[teaching my boyfriend cards]

ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse

HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*

@captainkalvis

[hits blunt]

how come i dont pee bubbles when i drink Sprite

[hits it again]

ah guess its ok, wouldn’t want a tingly dingus

@illTortuga

From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.

@FeelingEuphoric

DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight

KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?

DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea

@McGrumpenstein

CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same

@Marlebean

That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!

@Breadery

Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.

@3sunzzz

Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.

@Sanbel11

Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.