ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
ME: Store credit, then?
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
You Might Also Like
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
“I’ll shave whoever I want! I’ll shave you, I’ll shave her! I’ll shave a goddamn baby if need be!”
Sean Connery, boasting about his heroism
What’s up, girl? Do you like bad boys [kicks rug] or good guys [fixes rug]?
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.