Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?

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ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!


ME: Store credit, then?


If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.


“I’ll shave whoever I want! I’ll shave you, I’ll shave her! I’ll shave a goddamn baby if need be!”

Sean Connery, boasting about his heroism


What’s up, girl? Do you like bad boys [kicks rug] or good guys [fixes rug]?


When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”


Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.


My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.


[Planning a heist]

ME: Did you scope the place out?

PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards

ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs


Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.