Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
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If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Called it
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.