Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
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Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Yoga Matt
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Flowers bee like
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
You wish you had this many chins.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.