@House_Feminist

are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

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@tsm560

One day I’ll take a trip around the world to see if people are this stupid everywhere.

@Book_Krazy

Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?

Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!

@njlitigator

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.

@SCbchbum

If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.

@notfaizzy

I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.

@SunshineJarboly

*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?

@DothTheDoth

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.