@House_Feminist

are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

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@Browtweaten

me: I’m stuck in a time loop

friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight

me: my watch is on too tight πŸ™‚

@WheelTod

Virgin Airlines original advertising slogan was “We’re so sorry about that but If you give us a chance we swear it will be better next time”

@littlelady899

“Why are the good ones always taken?”

– Me, staring at the assorted cookie tray

@JawnQSack

“A mind is a terrible thing to waste.”

A zombie trying to convince his son to finish his dinner.

@jasonmustian

“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook

@AmericanGent69

*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?

@KKAlThani

David Beckham says he will retire at the end of this season, mainly because he ran out of ideas on how to do his next haircut.

@thatdutchperson

THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.

ME:

THERAPIST: ok?

Me: would that make you happy?

@1evilidiot

Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist