are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

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me: I’m stuck in a time loop

friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight

me: my watch is on too tight πŸ™‚


Virgin Airlines original advertising slogan was “We’re so sorry about that but If you give us a chance we swear it will be better next time”


“Why are the good ones always taken?”

– Me, staring at the assorted cookie tray


“A mind is a terrible thing to waste.”

A zombie trying to convince his son to finish his dinner.


“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook


*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?


David Beckham says he will retire at the end of this season, mainly because he ran out of ideas on how to do his next haircut.


THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.



Me: would that make you happy?


Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist