are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
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Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
this is what they would have looked like, though
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero