Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
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A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you