@unravelingfire

Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?

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@Capt_Spanky

Text to wife: “Would you bring me my ” and my phone suggests “girlfriend.” My phone is trying to kill me.

@TheMichaelRock

My boss said to “treat customers like you treat your mother”, so I haven’t answered my phone in a month and I have 74 unheard voicemails.

@i_Lean

“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.

@GavinProbably

I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.

Then I get kicked out.

@aka_fatman

Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?

Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.

@MartaEffing

*sees person I know in a crowd*
*waves enthusiastically*
* realizes I don’t know person*
* changes enthusiastic wave to awkward fist pump*

@iamspacegirl

*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.

@truegritrumble

*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*

@simoncholland

Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.