Text to wife: “Would you bring me my ” and my phone suggests “girlfriend.” My phone is trying to kill me.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
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My boss said to “treat customers like you treat your mother”, so I haven’t answered my phone in a month and I have 74 unheard voicemails.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
*sees person I know in a crowd*
* realizes I don’t know person*
* changes enthusiastic wave to awkward fist pump*
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.