@unravelingfire

Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?

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@RexHuppke

Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword

@MichaelTrying

Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.

@noog

*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?

@ShittySuze

Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.

@HatfieldAnne

My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.

@OwensDamien

‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’

@faisaladam_

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

@Where__wolf

If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks

@Ideal_Victoria

*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*