[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
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I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Breaking news:
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Lmaoo 😂