Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
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I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
2022 be like
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing