Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
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What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
me and the Superbowl rn
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.