@crunchenhanced

Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.

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@thepunningman

[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”

@NervousJr

Don’t feel like going to the gym?

Go to all your ex’s facebook pages and see who they’re dating now.

Then go to the gym.

@jeepwave7

I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language

@ArfMeasures

MUGGER: Give me your money

ME: Stay back, I have mice

MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace

*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*

@ProfaneDane

An arranged marriage is just another way of saying that your parents helped you get laid.

@EndhooS

Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..

@LittleMissAngr1

I misheard my elderly neighbour when she asked to borrow some tongs and now this fistful of underwear dangles awkwardly between us.

@haggierto

Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.

@matt___nelson

“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”

I’ve never met a libra

*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*