[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
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Most guys: send noodes
Don’t feel like going to the gym?
Go to all your ex’s facebook pages and see who they’re dating now.
Then go to the gym.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
An arranged marriage is just another way of saying that your parents helped you get laid.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
I misheard my elderly neighbour when she asked to borrow some tongs and now this fistful of underwear dangles awkwardly between us.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*