[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
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[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
This kid is going places
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place