ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
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It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.