Are you a cat person or a person person?
You Might Also Like
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.