“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”

“I’m a cop.”

“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”

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Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.


The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.


crap this virus is turning all the people into pigeons



Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris called it quits. But I am looking forward to her next album devoted to the break-up called ‘Calvin and Sobs’.


Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.


[tv ad]
Hey folks, this is Don Key!
Come on down to Key’s Automotive for.. uh-
[camera still rolling]
holy shit .. donkey. my name is donkey