are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
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[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.