This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
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[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
my first day as a raccoon
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.