@Marlebean

“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”

“That’s only for narcs.”

“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”

You Might Also Like

@Shen_the_Bird

sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song

@BMcCarthy32

WELL IF BEING DISCHARGED FROM THE HOSPITAL ISNT THE BEST TIME TO ASK ABOUT A THREESOME THEN IM FRESH OUT OF IDEAS

@Mechaniz10

You seem like the type of person who wears a helmet when you go jogging.

@KentWGraham

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

@rustygunter

If it lasts 4 hours I’m not only callin a Dr, I’m callin everybody!!

@Snarfernini

911: What’s your emergency?

Me: He text me first. Just to say hi. What do I do?!

911: Be cool

Me: I sent him a list of baby names instead

@jasonroeder

Next time a conspiracy theorist says, “That’s what they want you to think,” say, “No, but that’s what they wanted you to tell me.”

@cepheusjackson

MUGGER: Empty your pockets!

ME: But these are cargo shorts.

(45 min later)

ME: That’s the left one

MUGGER: Seriously.

ME: I am SO sorry

@shutupmikeginn

An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:

1) I don’t have a car