Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
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sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
WELL IF BEING DISCHARGED FROM THE HOSPITAL ISNT THE BEST TIME TO ASK ABOUT A THREESOME THEN IM FRESH OUT OF IDEAS
You seem like the type of person who wears a helmet when you go jogging.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
If it lasts 4 hours I’m not only callin a Dr, I’m callin everybody!!
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: He text me first. Just to say hi. What do I do?!
911: Be cool
Me: I sent him a list of baby names instead
Next time a conspiracy theorist says, “That’s what they want you to think,” say, “No, but that’s what they wanted you to tell me.”
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
ME: I am SO sorry
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car