@AllyBallyBeal

Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise

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@TheHyyyype

16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek

PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure

@jwoodham

Don’t let people tell you that life after college is nothing but being poor and tired. It’s 100% true, but it’s more fun if it’s a surprise.

@mom_tho

My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster

@Diversion50

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The Chosen Phew

@KenJennings

If you’re American & I ever hear you use the word “whilst,” this I swear: you will not live to see the 3rd season of Sherlock.

@rickolantern

[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]

@kimmie_1980

Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.

@Ygrene

Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks

Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks

@AsYouNotWish

Wife: How many women have u slept with?

Husband: Only you, Honey. With everyone else, I was awake.