@AllyBallyBeal

Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise

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@mostunladylike

Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.

@seanforhire

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

@threetimedaddy

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

@Tmoney68

Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.

@PlainTravis

My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.

@PaperWash

My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

@Brianhopecomedy

I checked my phone while I was mowing the lawn and now we don’t have a garden.