Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
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Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.