Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise

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Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped


i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.


Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.


Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.


My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.


My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.


If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.


Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.


I checked my phone while I was mowing the lawn and now we don’t have a garden.