I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
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Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
The struggle is real.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.