@knew_nic

“Are you asleep?” He risks his life by asking me.

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@fakemikemulloy

*buying beer*

CASHIER: how old are you?

ME, 19 YEARS OLD: 22, I was born on May 7, 1982 at 8:45 am, it was a cloudy day about 45 degrees, Olivia Newton John’s “Physical” was topping the charts

ME, 32 YEARS OLD: ummmm, thirty something? Like 32, maybe 33. What year is now?

@CarrieMayhem

I’m not stalking you. I’m getting to know you behind your back.

@WritePlay

“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”

– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school

@coolauntV

[walking in on boyfriend]

me: oh god

him: it’s not what it looks like!

me: how could you do this to me?!

him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way

me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss

@joanwilsonorg

Just for the record … the medical term for injecting disinfectants into the body is called “embalming”.

@InternetHippo

My advice is be an absolute scumbag for the first 20-30 years of your life, then everyone will be super impressed when you start doing the bare minimum

@brendanmcginley

Cleveland checks its makeup in the mirror, promises itself this time with LeBron won’t be like before.

@djdarrellripley

Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.

Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.

@blade_funner

[me as a mechanic]

*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.

@GoldenSpirals

I thought I might be pregnant.

It turns out I’m just three months fat.