CASHIER: how old are you?
ME, 19 YEARS OLD: 22, I was born on May 7, 1982 at 8:45 am, it was a cloudy day about 45 degrees, Olivia Newton John’s “Physical” was topping the charts
ME, 32 YEARS OLD: ummmm, thirty something? Like 32, maybe 33. What year is now?
“Are you asleep?” He risks his life by asking me.
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I’m not stalking you. I’m getting to know you behind your back.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”
– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Just for the record … the medical term for injecting disinfectants into the body is called “embalming”.
My advice is be an absolute scumbag for the first 20-30 years of your life, then everyone will be super impressed when you start doing the bare minimum
Cleveland checks its makeup in the mirror, promises itself this time with LeBron won’t be like before.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.