“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.

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[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree


Brings a loaf of bread to your knife fight because, work smarter not harder amirite?


I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.


I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.


“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.


my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote

me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe


Probably not a coincidence that Taylor Swift just spent $17M on a mansion only two states away from me.


Nice try “unknown” caller, but I don’t answer when my family calls so what chance did you think you had?


2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist


I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.