“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
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[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other