step 6: release the wall snake
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When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle