@TheToddWilliams

Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”

– Chinese Checkers

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@UncleDuke1969

“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…

– Adam Sandler being handed a script

@TrueTorontoGirl

[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.

@vladchoc

Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.

@trumpetcake

Who hasn’t stood in front of a mirror holding a hairbrush as a microphone pretending to address the press as the sheriff of a small town plagued by a horrific series of crimes?

@peachesanscream

Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.

@Gupton68

Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.

@AnniemuMary

My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.

@johnbcrist

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

@spageggy

dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy

me: ok got it

[later]

her: hi i’m carol

me: u look like shit