“Can I get you to-”
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…
– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
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Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Who hasn’t stood in front of a mirror holding a hairbrush as a microphone pretending to address the press as the sheriff of a small town plagued by a horrific series of crimes?
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit