@Phook75

“Are you cold?”
*People who are cold*

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@jaboukie

anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death

@djdarrellripley

You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.

*baby starts crying*

@itsfineimfinepd

The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?

@dancefeverbarbi

I am so lazy that when I dropped the soap in the shower, I just sat down & took a bath. That was 2 hours ago. I’m still here.

@ArfMeasures

Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front

@IamVRising

Currently trying to figure out how to tase someone through the phone.

In case anybody wanted to know how my day is going.

@KylePlantEmoji

[restaurant]

Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese

Her: … you definitely don’t have permission

Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.