I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
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Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
🥶🥶🐶🐶
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
want me to check your oil?
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?