This Polar Bear is my spirit animal
“Are you cold?”
*People who are cold*
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anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
I am so lazy that when I dropped the soap in the shower, I just sat down & took a bath. That was 2 hours ago. I’m still here.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Currently trying to figure out how to tase someone through the phone.
In case anybody wanted to know how my day is going.
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.