
This Polar Bear is my spirit animal
This Polar Bear is my spirit animal
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
I am so lazy that when I dropped the soap in the shower, I just sat down & took a bath. That was 2 hours ago. I’m still here.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Currently trying to figure out how to tase someone through the phone.
In case anybody wanted to know how my day is going.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.