The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
“Are you cold?”
*People who are cold*
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APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*
“It was me. I shit on the rug”
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
so your X-rays look grea-
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.