“Are you cold?”
*People who are cold*

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The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow


[Horsemen tryouts]

APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4

*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*

STEVE: dang it


Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,

I found my bagpipes for tonight.


No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.


DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?


[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?

“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*

“It was me. I shit on the rug”


I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.


[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities


[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.