Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
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[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken