@ItsTheTeenSwag

“Are you crying .?” “No, my eyes are sweating -_____-” #ITTS

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@TheNardvark

There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.

@evidentlyblonde

When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.

@CantWaitToNap

When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.

@JBusch260

“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”

Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :

@BoomBoomBetty

Me: Forever young!

Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.

Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.

@heytherecore

Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”

@AndyRichter

At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit

@Peauxtassium

I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.

@toastymoe

The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi