Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
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Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.