“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
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Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
i don鈥檛 let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i鈥檓 hungover
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 馃槶
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
This is a bargain. I鈥檝e always paid at least $5.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Breaking news:
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 馃檪
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you鈥檙e still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what鈥檚 his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You鈥檙e always on that damn phone
McDonald鈥檚 Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald鈥檚: We鈥檙e having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that鈥檚 how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald鈥檚.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn鈥檛 believe my luck.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon