– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
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[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.