– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
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humans only use 10% of their treadmills
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.