“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
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My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Not all heroes wear capes….
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.