Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
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If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
The 6 types of sex
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly