“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
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Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
crying
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”