Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
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before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Never go to sleep after making me angry
OH. COME. ON.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?