@lovemyboots111

Are you guys sure common sense can’t be beaten into people ? Because I’d like to give it try!

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@Poutymcgee

[during sex]

If you say Jesus backwards it sounds like Sausage.

@LaceyNycole

When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”

@Dawn_M_

I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.

@ericsshadow

ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess

ME: i sell human organs on the black market

JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more

@chairmanMAO_92

This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead

@TheHyyyype

[i witness a crime]

COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement

ME: ok

[at the station]

ME: a hotdog is a sandwich

@joshgondelman

The rush I get from completing a crossword puzzle leads me to believe that trying hard drugs would destroy my life within hours.

@Elizasoul80

I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”