Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
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I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
These 3D printers are insane!
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people