@TheNYAMProject

“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”

– A Novel About Living with Small Children

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@dafloydsta

[date]

HER: I absolutely love Star Wars

ME: Oh me too

HER: What’s your favorite part?

ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war

@omgshuddup

“Are you good and hard for me yet?”

– me boiling eggs

@Dis0beyJay

[at wedding]
Is there any reason why these two shouldn’t be wed?

* me yelling * SHE THINKS WOLVERINE COULD BEAT PREDATOR

*pianist vomits*

@squirrel74wkgn

Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.

@XplodingUnicorn

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.

@YSylon

Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*

Old man standing next to me: Ouch!

@SequelsWeWant

2001 A Space Odyssey 2

The spaceship returns

HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.

He never works.

He becomes the basis for Windows 10.

@ScratchPaper8

Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.

@TheRolo

I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.