“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.

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When I see someone in public talking on a bluetooth..I like to position myself on the other side, lean in & whisper “It’s ok I see them too”


I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.

And to their wives. And their local fire departments.


So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids


I’m white, but…

Nope. Can’t do one of those today.

Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.

I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.


In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.


Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you

Me: ok

Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory

Me: oh no


Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-

Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?


Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.


I just want to rub all over you……..

……..with the front end of my car.


FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.

COP: How can you be sure?

GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.