“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
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Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Breaking news:
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
shit, they caught us—run!!!
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.