“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
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[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Ain’t no way
I hate everything
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.