“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
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Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video