“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
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An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.