“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
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ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
this is funnier than any friends episode
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy