“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
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Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?