Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
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The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
I don’t think my car can fly
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.