[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
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This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
couldn’t resist
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
[eats all your cotton candy]
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.