I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
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“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter: