@iQuoteComedy

“Are you ok?” “No, I’m bleeding because its fun.”

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@ReticentTurnip

JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees

@drayzze

If you’re desperately lonely, just look on the bright side.

At least you still have standards.

@EtobicokeErnie

Watching a cooking show and the host said you can use leftover beer to make battered chicken wings. What the hell is leftover beer?

@realHamOnWry

My parents both wear hearing-aids. And I think that’s why they’re still married…they never turn them on.

@WheelTod

My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”

@Boba_Photo

Tomorrow is Friday the 13th. Celebrate it by walking very slowly yet still managing to catch up to people.

@LindaInDisguise

Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?

Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.

@jonnysun

*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect