Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
You Might Also Like
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
never forget
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.