“Are you ok?” “No, I’m bleeding because its fun.”

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JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees


If you’re desperately lonely, just look on the bright side.

At least you still have standards.


Watching a cooking show and the host said you can use leftover beer to make battered chicken wings. What the hell is leftover beer?


My parents both wear hearing-aids. And I think that’s why they’re still married…they never turn them on.


My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”


Tomorrow is Friday the 13th. Celebrate it by walking very slowly yet still managing to catch up to people.


Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?

Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.


*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*